Fighting Back and Saying No

I haven't had the chance to finish my post on that encounter I had last year. So for the meantime, I'll share a post I recently read which closely narrates what happened, although the details were not exact and the description is not literal, but it reminded me of that night that forever changed my life. 

So i'll leave it up to you on how you'll interpret this post versus the real events of my life. lol

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/you-raped-me/

The Attack of the EMO

Oh no! This can't be happening. All of a sudden, I feel sad. I was just watching a completely normal and happy movie -- how can the animated film "Brave" make you feel depressed about being single and alone -- when this sudden surge of sadness crept through  me and tears fell helplessly from my eyes. Pathetic I know, but I didn't want this. I am being attacked by the emo.

I don't know why my old friend Emo is paying me a visit now. Yes, we had been good friends, in fact, he was there in each time my heart gets broken, and it was a LOT. He was my companion in misery, my diet partner and my bed hugger, lulling me to sleep when I was crying of a broken heart. But it has been a while and it has long been over, I've moved on and my heart's already at peace. I don't want to be brought back to the past heartaches, broken promises and perfect lies. I don't want to feel the pain, the anger and the denial I felt during those times. I don't want to feel sorry for myself for failing at my relationships and for being alone. I don't want to think I am worthless and that I will no longer find love. I don't want to cry or even be sad, but well, this is what's happening right now.  

This is not good, but I guess it is completely normal for alone people to feel like this once in a while. I'll just sleep through it and by tomorrow, I will be again as happy and as bright as the summer sun. But just for today, I'll just let these tears cleanse my eyes, because maybe this is what I need to see things in a clearer view. 

The Excitement of Being Scared

I have always been comfortable with being alone. I watch movies, dine out, and go around the metro all alone, and if possible, I would also want to try living alone. It’s not that I don’t have a choice, but certain circumstances pushed me to numerous situations where I only have myself to rely on, thus making me accustomed to doing things on my own. But at this moment, somehow I am scared of the lone journey I am about to take.

It’s now past 2 am, an hour still before my flight, and other than the waiting passengers here at the airport, I am all alone. I took out my travel best friends, a pocketbook and a 5-year old iPod, but they were not enough to distract me. I am tired, hungry, sleepy and bored all at the same time, but I almost quite don’t feel any of those as it is overpowered by this feeling of fear. I am scared, but I think it is the good kind of fear, the kind that makes you all excited and happy, that rather than pulling back, you're actually looking forward to things happening. I am all worried and scared but ironically I can't hide the huge smile off my face.

In a few hours, I'll be in Davao, a place that I've never been to, where I don't know anyone but myself. For four days, i will aimlessly wander its streets and corners. Some would I say I am on a soul-searching adventure, but I would rather think of it as an exciting adventure which will check another item off my bucket list. Maybe I would discover something new about myself from this travel or maybe I'll come back a changed woman or maybe I'll find the love my life, but I'd rather not think of those maybes. I am not keen on the outcome, If there'll be any, I just want to enjoy the journey and this freedom. Because right now, I am free, scared and happy. :)

The Perfect Story of Love and Friendship

Boy meets girl. They become good friends. They fall in love with each other. They live happily (as they can be) as bestfriends and lovers for the rest of their lives.

That is the simplest but couldn’t be more perfect story of love and friendship. And when you find that kind of love where your partner is your best friend and your lover, then you are just one of the luckiest people on earth.

Their story could have been like that. Only it was not. But it can qualify as the perfect story of friendship and unrequited love.

The Singles' Survival Guide for Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day. Deep sigh. It’s the time when hearts, flowers, chocolates, love letters and all things cheesy are in season, when men are required to unleash their romantic soul while women anticipate its release. I personally believe it’s an occasion full of mediocrity, an occasion where florists, greeting card companies, jewelry stores, and not the couples in love are the happiest. For those in a relationship, it heightens the expenses of men and the expectations of women; and for those who are not, it heightens the feeling of loneliness and self-pity.

Mediocre as it is, single individuals still wish to be part of the mediocrity. The feeling when you’re a recipient of love and admiration is simply joyous; thus, the sight of lovestruck couples on Valentine’s Day sometimes leaves us irritated and low with self-esteem. However, celebrating the day of love doesn’t mean it has to be spent romantically with a partner, it is celebrating love with the most important person in your life (aside from family and friends), YOU! You may spend the day choosing to be happy or by pitying yourself, but ultimately, you have to survive that day. With that, I present to you some suggestions on how you can survive doomsday, bitterly known as Valentine’s Day.

Halloween in February

I know it’s still the month of February, but why does it seem like it’s Halloween already? This week alone, sudden appearances were made by monsters who have mercilessly (almost) killed me, zombies resurrecting after being gone for a long time and ghosts who are consistently making their presence inconsistently felt. What do they even want from me? Do they think they can drag me into their messed up world? Or perhaps they think they can use me to arouse their good-for-nothing lives? Whatever their reasons are, I have learned my lesson well not to be fooled again by their kind.

Ah! I know, it’s the month of love and these creatures, like humans, are longing for company, hoping they can spend their second most loved holiday (next to Halloween) sucking the life out of a frail girl's heart and then leave it cold and lifeless. But I am not a frail girl, not anymore. How many times had they left me writhing in pain, holding on and fighting for dear life, clueless on what had just transpired. They can't just appear, disappear and then suddenly reappear as if they had not done any damage.

However, I am one who believes in chances, but they had to prove themselves worthy of that chance. If they want to be in my life, they have to consistently make an effort, and they can start that by ceasing to be non-human. Consistency is the key to my heart and I am standing by that mantra. Okthanksbye!

Unsocializing with the Social Media

It has been a month since I stepped out of the social media world, and surprisingly, I am doing pretty well. I challenged myself not to use Facebook, Twitter and even Instagram. I thought it would be hard as I’ve never been away from Facebook for more than two days, but here I am, surviving without it. With that, I think I deserve a big pat on the back and a huge bowl of ice cream! Yey! 

Reasons

First and foremost, the move I made was not about someone or anyone who affected my life negatively, but admittedly, they were part of the reasons why I have to quiet myself for a while. The previous year gave me plenty of painful experiences in which when I thought about it was brought about my addiction with these networking sites. Because of wrongful interpretations and over-analysis of posts read, I had been hurt by the people who I thought would never hurt me and in return, I might have also hurt people unintentionally. Not that I blame social media for these unfortunate events but I just felt that I need to distance myself from the noise. It was a sudden decision but I believed it was exactly what I needed, and I was right.

Ang Kapalaran ng Umaasa

Nang natapos na ang pelikulang “Les Miserables” at nagliwanag na muli sa sinehan, humarap sa akin ang kaibigan ko at sinabing "Nakita mo yun? Yung umasa, namatay!” At sumagot naman ung isang ko pang kaibigan ng “Oo nga!  Tapos kung sino pa ung nagpaasa, un pa ang nabuhay at naging masaya sa huli? Unfair din noh?” Sa sinabi nilang un, napaisip ako, napabuntong-hininga at nasabi na lang sa sarili na baliw talaga ang mga kaibigan ko. Pero baliw man sila, di mapapagkakaila na tama naman sila.

Katulad na lang ng isang grupo ng mga binata na namatay sa kanilang pagngahas magsimula ng rebolusyon, inakala nila na makikiisa sa kanila ang mga tao pero huli na ng malaman nila na sila lang pala ang lumalaban.  Katulad din ni Eponine na namatay matapos saluhin ang bala na para sana kay Marius na matagal na nyang iniibig. Nang matapos ang rebolusyon, ikinasal ang binata sa isang babae na hindi pa nya gaano kakilala. Unfair lang noh? Nakakainis! Yan nga ang siguro ang tadhana ng mga taong umaasa -- nasasaktan at namamatay.

Bakit marami pa din ang umaasa kahit alam na naman natin ang maaaring kapalit nito? Na sa kabila nito marami pa din ang umaasa na magkakaroon ng magandang buhay, ng maayos ang gobyerno, ng magandang trabaho o ng tunay na pagmamahal. Kasi naniniwala tayo sa magandang bukas, na pagkatapos ng unos may nag-aabang na bagong liwanag, na sa bawat suntok ng buhay may kapalit na tagumpay. Napakamakapangyarihan ng pag-asa sapagkat eto ang nakakapagbigay loob sa atin na lumaban at hindi sumuko. Sabi nga nila diba “Habang may buhay may pag-asa”? Totoo ba talaga eto o nagpapaasa lang? Naniniwala ako na sa ating buhay hindi dapat tayo nawawalan ng pag-asa, pero may nag-iisang aspeto sa ating buhay kung saan hindi dapat umasa sa ‘pag-asa’ at kung saan minsan mas nakabubuti pa ang mawalan ng pag-asa at tanggapin na lang na hindi lahat ng pinapangarap mo, kahit gaano mo pa eto pinaglaban at pinaghirapan, ay mapapasayo - at ito ay ang Pag-ibig. *buntong-hininga* 

The Travel Bug Bites

It was a fun and travel-filled 2012! 

Funny how, I age at 26, and with the company of my mom, had my first plane ride bound to our home province of Bicol. And now at age 27, barely over a year since that first plane ride, I have become a regular visitor of airports, not to mention bus terminals and docks of places that are all new to me. 2012 paved the way for my travel addiction. In fact, I traveled to more places in this year alone than in the past 26 years of my life. Here’s a glimpse of where I’ve been in the past year.

The Ghost Comes Alive

Everything around me was shaking; or perhaps it was just me? Color drained from my face, my entire body limped and for a split second, I cannot breath. It may seem that I have seen a ghost. But I have not. I am only about to see one.

It was about 4 PM, I was engrossed with finishing the document I have to submit when my phone rang. My eyes couldn’t believe what it just saw -- your name flashing on my phone screen. It took me a while before my mind realized that YOU were calling me. After more than three rings, I finally answered. You cheerfully greeted me with “Hi, where are you?” and I just answered with a stern “Why?” I tried to sound as natural and kind as I could, but I guess I can never be good at pretending. You asked me again where I was because you were just around the area and you were thinking if I want to hang out for a while; and without any hesitations, I agreed. You said you’d be in front of my office after 10 minutes and hung up. Realizing what had just transpired, I froze. The ghost that has been haunting me for the past two years has come alive.

Fearing and Facing the Truth

I am here in this quaint little coffee shop waiting for you. You just texted you'd be coming late, but I don't mind as I have my book and iPod to keep me company. And perhaps I'll get something light to fill my stomach, nevermind that it will just aggravate the queasiness that I already feel.

It was two years ago since I was last here, and it was also to meet you. In fact, that was when we first met. I never would have thought I would be here again, and for the same reason.

I need to talk to you, as I know you are that one person who can give some sense to everything that has been happening. You may not be kind with your words but at least I'll know it is the truth.

I had been seeking for that truth since I met you...

...But all I can do now is wait.

The Distant Travels of My Restless Mind

It is almost 3 A.M. and I still can't sleep. My body is already screaming that it wants to rest but somehow my mind is not cooperating. It is in its restless mode again. 

My mind is going to all sort of places right now. It is in Baler, braving and raving the waves. It is in Davao, figuring out what to do next as I am there all alone. It is there in the other side of the world, sharing a good laugh with you. It is there in my work desk, deliberating on how I can all my deliverables this week. It is in Starbucks, reliving the day I lost you. It is here in my room, recklessly battling with my body to not get some sleep yet. It is in all other places, and I can't keep track where it is now. I swear my mind is now more of a travel junkie than I am. 

Who ever said you cannot be at more than one place at the same time? My mind can do all of that. More than that. All the time.

My dear mind, I am begging you, can you stop wandering? You had been wandering and wondering for years now. At least for a brief moment, be one with my body and want rest? I know you wouldn't be delighted if my body gets sick, right? You'll have all the time to wander again later when the sun comes up, and you'd be doing just that all day. 

So please, let's rest now.

The 12 Lessons of 2012

Ah, 2013! There is something about a new year that makes us all ecstatic and giddy. For most of us, it signifies a fresh start, an opportunity to embark on a new journey to happiness. But for others, it is a chance to leave behind the ghost of the previous year that has not treated them well. However good or bad 2012 was, 2013 is here welcoming us with a huge grin, just waiting for us to take control. So hop on and make the most of each day that we are blessed with! :)

Like a clean sheet of paper, 2013 is waiting for me to fill it with new adventures, meaningful lessons and wonderful memories. But before I turn the page to 2013, let me reminisce on the year that was. Read on, you'll get a glimpse of how 2012 treated me. :P

The First of Many

Yey! I have finally started a blog!

It has long been a dream of mine to be a blogger and today, that dream finally came true. I don’t know what took me so long to finally do this. But it took me some recent dramatic events, some bucket of tears and a huge frustration over the existing social media networks to finally realize this long-neglected dream. I don’t consider myself a good writer, although I will try to be one, and even strive to be better at it. But one thing I can be certain about is I express myself better in writing.