The Ghost Comes Alive

Everything around me was shaking; or perhaps it was just me? Color drained from my face, my entire body limped and for a split second, I cannot breath. It may seem that I have seen a ghost. But I have not. I am only about to see one.

It was about 4 PM, I was engrossed with finishing the document I have to submit when my phone rang. My eyes couldn’t believe what it just saw -- your name flashing on my phone screen. It took me a while before my mind realized that YOU were calling me. After more than three rings, I finally answered. You cheerfully greeted me with “Hi, where are you?” and I just answered with a stern “Why?” I tried to sound as natural and kind as I could, but I guess I can never be good at pretending. You asked me again where I was because you were just around the area and you were thinking if I want to hang out for a while; and without any hesitations, I agreed. You said you’d be in front of my office after 10 minutes and hung up. Realizing what had just transpired, I froze. The ghost that has been haunting me for the past two years has come alive.

I tried to compose myself, calmed my nerves and forced myself to think only out of logic. I had long been imagining scenarios in my head of the day I am going to face you; now that it is about to happen, I realized I am unprepared. I racked my brain on how I will be able deal with you and the situation, but I cannot think all day, you’d be coming around shortly. Behold, you called and informed me that you are already in front of my office building; I gave up, I will just hope and pray that I will able to speak and act accordingly.

With my heart pounding heavily and my mind still blank, I braved myself to see you. And there you were, with your back on me, waiting under the unloading post; and with that mere sight, I was once again taken by you. I instantly shook the feeling. I have to remember you were the same person who broke my heart.  

I walked up to you and said the friendliest “Hi” I could muster, and you responded with your warm and staple “Hi, What’s Up” greeting, and then commented how you can sense I wasn't happy seeing you. I think that goes to show how bad I am in concealing my emotions.  I just laughed it off and we walked to the nearest coffee shop. As I settled in on our table and you proceeded to the counter to order, it dawned on me, you are real; everything that is happening around me is real. At that moment, you were not a ghost.

You had been my ghost for a while now – constantly appearing in my dreams but rarely appearing outside of it; but when you do appear, you still seem like a ghost.  I sometimes convince myself that you were not just a product of my imagination; that you are real or at least, you were once real. For so long, you have haunted me with the promises, the plans and the hope that someday WE can be real.

After what seemed like an eternity, you got back and immediately I was brought back to the present. We started chatting about the two years that has gone by – stories of new adventures, flourishing careers, attempts at a relationship, and family and friendship woes. I religiously listened to your every story, but as I look at you, I can’t help but wonder why I feel the way I feel for you – loving you then hating you for hurting me but still loving you despite of that; and that longing of kissing you then killing you right after. Yes it is downright ironic, but you have that effect on me.   

It was the longest yet quickest one hour of my life. I would have wanted to stay longer with you but I just can’t, I have to do my heart a favor and save her from utterly breaking. It was a good thing that we both have important things to attend to – I have to get back to work and you have to go to your dinner. We said our goodbyes, well wishes and the see-you-around and catch-up promises, but at that moment, I know it’s over. I got back to my desk and willed myself to work, but I simply can’t, I am feeling too emotional. I also cannot fool myself, I have to let my guard down and release the hurt, and so I cried. I cried hard and quietly, careful not to bother anyone of the ongoing drama in the corner of the room. Fortunately for me, there are only a few people left in the office as most are already off to celebrate the holidays.

My heart is already breaking and I know I have to stop it from being completely and irreparably broken by allowing it to receive more damage. I cannot allow you anymore to constantly haunt me, to just disappear then suddenly show up pretending that we are fine. I have to protect whatever is left of my sanity. I can't keep settling with how you make me feel. I need to know where I stand in your life. I prayed not for the courage to do what I was about to do but the courage to accept the outcome of my action. With that, I sent you a long and wholehearted message of everything that I feel. I expressed my vulnerability yet adamantly uttered words that I know would hurt you. It was reckless and risky, but it will shed light to every question that has been clouding me over the past two years. You initially replied but when you no longer answered to that question which will decide our fate, I know I finally had the answer to my long pending question, I have to move on. The dream of us becoming real will never happen. 

I am now moving on, with the hope that the next man I will love is no longer a ghost.

Endnote: 

As of this writing, the ghost still haunts me in my dreams, but I guess that is just okay, it will take a while before I can escape you. But what haunts me more now is the ghost of “Why-did-I-not-just-keep-my-mouth-shut”?